Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
