my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
