Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dicks are not precious.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
