I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
