Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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