the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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