respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
