Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
