Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
