Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
