Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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