What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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