in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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