his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
