the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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