the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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