Banned from zoo.
Again?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
