Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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