im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
