im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
