there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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