her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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