woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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