just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
no you cant smoke seaweed
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
