I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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