Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
