Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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