How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
