And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
