we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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