I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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