You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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