haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Last time i carry you out of a forest
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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