i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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