what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
