There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
