I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Randomize
