good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
