i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
