He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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