mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
