I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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