and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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