Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How naked do you want me to be?
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