Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
