I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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