I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
