you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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