For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
