One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
