OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
