im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
