happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
